The Conflict Expert

In my last post, I wrote about navigating family tension over the Christmas period. In this post, I’ll be outlining some principles that will guide you through conflict during the holidays and can get you through difficulties, unscathed.

Why can Christmas lead to family tension?

Divorce lawyers and mediators know that January is their busiest period. This is because routines are out of sync, families spend more time together and arguments that were once shelved because of those routines, come to the surface.

Christmas is also a time of heightened expectation. It’s supposed to be a time of love, togetherness and abundance. But for many people, those expectations fall short, especially when they conjure up images of what a relationship or family should be. We are supposed to give generously but one in twelve people in the UK rely on credit to cover Christmas costs, one in four cut down on every day expenses to pay for the holidays and a staggering one million people will not celebrate Christmas because they can’t afford it. Is it any wonder that the stress of those financial commitments leads to tension and resentment in the family?

The conflict rules below are not just for Christmas. They’re for any relationship at any time of year. Before the big day arrives, read on to find out how you can get through next week peacefully.

• Limit spending now or get advice on managing Christmas debt. There are some free websites that can help you get on top of the financial difficulties causing you stress and anxiety. They’re not just for Christmas, they can help all year round and they may put your mind at ease.
• Discuss with your partner now, how you will behave over the Christmas period. If you know there are tensions between you, have a conversation with each other about putting any relational problems to one side for the sake of other family members, your children or any other people that you both care about. In other words, call a truce so that you don’t ruin Christmas for the people that you love and stick to it!
• Decide how much time you spend with each other. It’s not all about couples. If tensions are high between siblings, parents or extended family, decide how long you will spend together so that you don’t feel constrained by others. Conflict can feel suffocating, especially when bad feelings simmer under the surface. So set a time limit if that helps psychologically, to make you feel in control.
• If you do feel the need to set boundaries with family members because of behaviour that you find disrespectful, do so assertively. That does not involve aggressive or insulting comments or actions, it means having a conversation that clearly sets out which behaviours you will accept. Keep it positive, friendly but firm.
• Look to the future. What do you want to change about your relationships? How can you bring about that change? What do you need to change about yourself and can that be done without damaging those relationships you hold dear. If anything, being in close contact with family strife may highlight these questions for you and push you to take action. That is the bright side of conflict and should be embraced.

We are only human and sometimes those we love just get under our skin, mostly because they can reflect back to us elements of ourselves that we dislike. It’s only natural to have an emotional response to some toxic behaviours. But you can choose to take a different approach. You can choose to do things differently and if you do, the results could benefit you and those around you. When you are aware of your ability to choose, you free yourself and start the beautiful and hard road to personal growth.

Wishing you a happy, peaceful and abundant holiday season! If you liked what you read, please feel free to comment. And if you would like to read more helpful blog posts about conflict, a donation is always welcome! Full disclosure: I don’t get paid for my blog, what drives me is a passion for improving relationships, encouraging personal empowerment, growth and creating conflict resolution outcomes that last. I hope you all benefit from that !