The Conflict Expert

I was recently asked this question: what good is empathy in a conflict if you just can’t see eye to eye? It’s a fair question, especially when you feel deeply wronged or you just can’t see an end to a conflict. In the personal sphere, isn’t it best to just break off the relationship?

In short, yes and no. There are some disputes that can’t be resolved. Either because you are dealing with a particularly difficult opponent who is only interested in hurting you or is intent on destabilising your mental well-being or self esteem. If that is the case, whether talking about work, friendships or any other kind of inter-personal relationship, find a way to leave if and when you can safely.

However, that in itself, may be the most empathetic thing you can do for yourself. And don’t forget. When we talk about empathy, it’s not just to your opponent, it’s also to yourself. First and foremost.

What is empathy towards yourself?

In any conflict, it’s important to know what your boundaries are. What kinds of behaviours do you find acceptable in your relationships and why. If you can establish those by communicating them to yourself and others in an assertive and respectful manner, then this shows that you hold your well-being in high esteem. It isn’t about being arrogant or declaring that you are high value (or whatever else Instagram influencers are touting), it’s about protecting what is important to you and ensuring that others know about it.

It’s also about forgiving your own mistakes and let’s face it, we all make them in conflict because it’s emotional. We feel hurt and aggrieved by it. Recognising that you are only human is an empathetic gesture towards yourself.

It’s also important to be clear with yourself about how you feel towards your opponent and the conflict. Sitting with those emotions will help you put them to rest and that means accepting that you feel angry, sad, hurt (or whatever else you feel) AND that it’s ok. Once you have taken the time to concentrate on your own feelings, journal about them and/or process them in other ways, you can start to find a way to resolve the conflict with the other person, if that is what you want to do.

What is empathy towards others ?

Conflict describes a way of relating to other people and so empathy does have place within that framework, even if you feel negatively towards them. Here are a few reasons why empathy helps to cool a conflict:

• You can gain perspective and see things from the other person’s point of view. This will help you to understand why they oppose you.
• You can identify with their emotional response because you have the same emotions- you probably both feel angry and hurt and you realise that this is not good for your stress levels or in some cases, your physical health.
• You could recognise that there are some life events that exacerbate overreactions.  If somebody is grieving, going through a divorce, or has lost their job, they may be more angry than usual. In other words, it’s not personal, and this could help you give them a break!
• Once you have seen things from their perspective, identified with their emotional response and understood any difficulties they may be going through, this could help you come up with a resolution not based on your emotions. Why? Because you are calm and understanding and able to act with compassion and kindness.

I advocate empathy during conflict because it is the most humane way to deal with it. It flavours how we communicate with one another, and it protects us when things feel hard to deal with. It also stops us from seeing the opponent as the “other” which can quickly escalate into destructive behaviours which only lead to more conflict. Seen in that way, empathy is the path that leads to the most effective way to resolve a conflict in a healthy and constructive manner, once you can start to work together with the person you are in dispute with and find solutions that work for you both.

As always, I’d love to read your comments and thoughts so please feel free to leave them below!