Surviving Conflict With a Narcissist. Six Tips on Staying Sane and Keeping Your Cool
A person with a narcissistic personality disorder tends to display certain traits. There are several types of narcissist, however, they have a few characteristics in common to varying degrees such as a lack of empathy, an over-inflated view of themselves and a need to be admired. If you have any kind of relationship with a narcissist, you know that your needs are unimportant to them and that your sole purpose is to serve their needs and interests, to plump up their grandiose ego and make sure that they are the centre of your universe.
It’s exhausting and draining being around them. I had a short friendship with a woman who constantly called me for attention, especially when she was feeling insecure. She wanted to be with me all the time and showered me with compliments and gifts. It’s hard to admit this now but even though I found this a little bit strange for a woman in her late thirties, I did enjoy how special this made me feel. Until of course, she found a new focus for her attention and just like that, I was ditched for somebody else. It coincided with her complaints that I was getting “too much attention” from other people and that I wasn’t happy with some of her very subtle put downs. The intense rejection I felt seems silly now but I did notice how manipulative this lady was. She worked out my insecurities early on and used them to undermine me, taking pleasure in my failings and disappointments.
Conflict With A Narcissist
In a more extreme diagnosis of narcissism, sadistic and violent traits are commonplace. In all forms, however, narcissists are unable to comprehend that although you might argue with somebody and feel angry and hurt, you may also have tender feelings towards them and want to resolve conflict so that the relationship will continue. They certainly cannot understand that you may also be hurt.
You may not even know what you have done wrong but your action, inaction, words, silence, fulfilment of your own needs or anything else, will have mortally wounded the narcissist to the point where all they can think about is causing you even more harm in retaliation.
Take the friend of mine who recently divorced her narcissistic husband. He had deprived her of financial freedom, treated her like a slave, destroyed her self-confidence and had been having an affair with a much younger woman at a time when a dear relative was dying of cancer. He made her life hell, with no regard for their two young children, despite his own actions which led to the breakdown in the relationship. He was a fantasist who lied about his behaviour and his ex-wife’s to anyone and everyone.
If you slight a narcissist, you can expect:
- Insults, aggresion, threats, shouting lie, gaslighting and sometimes violence. The intention is to degrade, humiliate, hurt and undermine you and they are common narcissistic argument tactics;
- The silent treatment. This is another way to control you with confusion;
- Blaming you and failing to take responsibility;
- Using your insecurities and vulnerability against you, despite you confiding this to them to build intimacy;
- No empathy, no recognition that you may be hurt too or have needs;
- No self-awareness. This is just too painful for a narcissist and so trying to get them to negotiate, cooperate, or back down gracefully is extremely unlikely.
- Conflict considerations will not include the value of the relationship unless it serves their interests only. This makes it difficult to reason with them as the needs of their ego will be more important than legal costs or mental health.
Before you despair, here are 6 tips to help you deal with it:
- Don’t ask for an apology. In fact, don’t ask for any acknowledgment of fault on the narcissist’s part. They will expect you to apologise because whatever has happened, it’s your fault.
- Recognise that your needs are not important. Yes, that’s right. There is no point whatsoever in trying to get the message across that you are also hurt or have certain needs that the narcissist is not fulfilling.
- Pay attention solely to the narcissist’s feelings. Lavish them with acknowledgement of the pain they are feeling because of your actions. Phrases like “I know what I did really hurt you and I am so sorry” will help a little but expect to grovel and beg for forgiveness.
- Ignore the silent treatment. It’s just about making you suffer.
- Distract them with compliments, praise and assurances that they are the most important person in your life. This may help to calm them down.
- End your relationship with them. If you have to go through tips 1 to 5 every time you are in conflict with a narcissist, you’ll destroy your own self-esteem and self-worth. It is best to take away their power and stop the narcissist from hurting you.
The narcissist has been wounded so profoundly at a young age that they are unable to relate to other people in an emotionally intimate manner. It saddens me that they cannot feel intense, unconditional love, the joy that relationships bring or the happiness and harmony of two people connecting peacefully. The shame that they feel prevents them from examining their own flaws which are laid bare when we are in conflict. We can learn and grow when we can communicate more constructively and we can experience more honest relationships with ourselves and others. That’s the true lesson of conflict.
You deserve more. You deserve empathy, support and understanding when you make a mistake. You also deserve to be treated as an equal, no matter what your relationship is to the other person. Sometimes, the best thing you can do to resolve conflict is to end the relationship.
Want practical advice in identifying toxic behaivours and managing conflict with a narcissist? Download The Narcissist Conflict Tool Kit today !
Discover more from The Conflict Expert
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Great insight. Wish I had been made aware of these years ago!
Tell me about it ! It’s never too late to learn :-) Thanks for your comment x
Thank-you for this concise information! I believe I have recently been dating a narcissist…I felt very happy in the relationship (8 months approximately) until I challenged him on an issue & voiced an opinion. I was suddenly faced with him lying about being too busy to see or talk to me, coming up with things I had done to upset him in the past which were never issues along the way. Is it possible for him to resent me because his kids from a previous marriage were bonding with me? He ghosted me- last thing I heard from him was a text message a month ago saying he was going to rest for the weekend and spend it alone. I just want my stuff back. No response via any type of communication after giving him space and time.
This is super interesting. I think we’ve all known someone who is just exhausting to be around. I love the way you match head-to-head tips to traits, though I suspect step #6 is the end result more often than not.
Thank you ! It’s so important to recognise what type of personality you’re dealing with in conflict and I hope this information helps you!
This is such an important topic for people to know. Sometimes, we don’t realise whether there’s a narcissist in our lives, whether it’s a relative or a romantic relationship. I’ll be sure to share this with others.
Thank you Lisa ! You’re right, sometimes we don’t know whether there is a narcissist in our lives as it’s also a difficult personality disorder to diagnose . Hopefully, the key traits will help ! Please do share, I appreciate it and your insightful comment !
I can easily relate with this topic because I have come across a lot of Narcissists and it baffles me how they keep finding fault in me and turn blind eyes to their own fault too. Not until I ignore the hell out of them, they will just keep making me ask for forgiveness unnecessarily.
That sounds tough! Sadly, they don’t find fault with themselves because they just can’t. I hope my article helped you!
Issues get bigger when the other person has narcissistic tendencies.
I agree . That’s going to be one heck of a fight !
Oh wow what a interesting take!
Thank you ❤️
This is a tough subject, but great information.
Thank you !
I dated a narcissist one. I hope that I never have to deal with one again.
I hope you never do either ! I can imagine it was draining . Hope my article helps you ! X
I am the type of person who will just avoid conflict and if I see a narcissist, I will just leave him/her be and ignore that person. I don’t know if that is really healthy.
Thanks for your comment😀 sometimes you have to avoid conflict . I personally think that if it is possible , you should avoid conflict with a narcissistic person because they can be particularly insensitive and not see their own part or responsibility . I am, however a firm believer that you shouldn’t avoid conflict if it means sacrificing your needs and emotions to benefit the other person . Sometimes that too is desirable but in most circumstances, you’ll only end up bottling up your emotions (usually anger or resentment) . If you look at conflict as a way of satisfying your needs and interests as well as the other person’s this may help :)
Looks like it needs a lot of will power. It’s always to better stay away from the danger.
It definitely does take a lot of will power and self awareness . It’s really about knowing your own needs and desires and making sure they are satisfied , as well as the other person’s. Thank you for commenting!
Not gonna lie , I can be a bit of narcissist ! i always have to remind myself to be humble. i would hate to drive someone crazy.
You seem far too self-aware to be narcissistic !
Great writing!
Sometimes we don’t understand people behavior towards a specific incident in day-to-day life. But you point out important traits which help us to understand them.
Thanks for sharing 👍
Very true. I think that’s how we get sucked in! They’re pretty good at gaining your trust in the initial stages of your relationship which can be deceptive . Thanks for your comment !
That’s true, it is exhausting and draining. And I learned to spot one like a distance away, and let myself go to the other way and not engaged with them
Thank you for your comment!
For me “keeping your cool” is the key thing! Great post!
Thanks for your comment ! That’s the goal :)
Great points overall! I think all of us in one way or another have some of these because people can be selfish overall but the combination of all should be a red flag
I totally agree! It’s the combination of traits that is a red flag and it’s the change in behaviour from putting you on a a pedestal and gaining your trust to chipping away at your self-esteem and self-worth so that your needs and wants are secondary to the narcissist’s. That can be really subtle at first. Thank you for commenting!
This almost made me scared but being informed is the step in right direction if you are dealing with someone like this.
It is scary , that’s true and you’re right, being informed is how you become empowered . Thanks for your comment !
The best way to deal with a narcissist is to just avoid them if possible. They don’t do any good and it’s just hard work.
Absolutely agree ! It’s such hard work and rarely worth it!
It’s tough enough being in any relationship and then you add the component described above and that takes it to a whole new level. These are excellent tips to keep in mind.
Thank you and I completely agree ! What a nightmare !
Very interesting article and so true. However, I’m in the situation of being a partner in a business with a narcissist which makes it difficult to avoid or run away from.
Currently I’m experiencing the silent treatment and he is avoiding any form of conflict. In our business I’m not allowed to complain about poor internet connection or problems with our printer. If so, he sees that as an attack on him personally as he arranged for internet connection and negotiated the lease of the printer. In general I am not allowed to express my feelings at all. At this stage in my life I’d rather be dead than trying to cope with everything. He hates me and in his eyes I don’t exist at all. I was only used (for my investment) to be part of our business which was a dream came true for him. And since the beginning I was excluded and my opinion and inputs didn’t count at all. He told his friends that its HIS business….
Pieter, thank you so much for your input, that sounds like a very difficult situation. You must feel so frustrated and angry about the way you are being treated. You do have options. You can also choose how you respond. The most important thing is to try and respond rather than react to this kind of treatment. Narcissists love to see their target react emotionally. If this partnership isn’t working, you can always seek legal advice (at least to understand what your options are) and you may choose instead to keep all correspondence in writing so that you can read and re-read it in order to (1) make sure you have written proof if things turn legal and (2) this will help you keep your communication professional and rational. It’s not easy but it often helps to remember, people only have power over you if you consent to it. You can withdraw consent at any time which is where your own personal power lies. Good luck!
I’m married to one. I’m also a psychology major when i observed this behavior i didn’t recognize it right off, until i did a paper on narcissism. I have never seen a person lie about every thing even simple things, he is never wrong and never owns any responsibility. He only sees me when he is having sex. He is 63 years old and will never change. He brought home some dead flowers that he found and wanted me to be happy about it. I have learned to choose my own battles but i know this marriage will never survive. I am excited that i recognized the behavior even though its too late. He has no empathy at all anyone one. I have never seen anything like it. He doesn’t love me he loves how i love him that’s it. I feel sorry for him. I will never sit and just let him get away with his behavior, but i call him out. I read somewhere they don’t know how to be faithful and will lie about being faithful. He is deceitful but one thing i hold dear, it doesn’t matter how many times he gets away with it, he will get caught. I told him if he is unfaithful once and only once I’m out. He doesn’t care but that works for me. How do you have a conversation with someone that is mentally ill and don’t know they are mentally ill?
That sounds like a tough situation but it’s great that you have the self-awareness to realise that things need to change. Good luck and I truly wish you the best!
Are there books written about living with narcissist
Hi Barbara ! I’m quite sure there are ! good luck !
I think my mother was a narcissist. There were times when she wouldn’t talk to me for 3 weeks when I was a kid. I was always the one that had to apologise. Same to my brother and sister.
It’s hard to say without knowing your mother but that sounds quite painful and confusing for a child. Wishing you well and thanks for your comment.
I have been unhappily married to a Narcissist for 17 years. The constant emotional and psychological abuse I endure daily is inhumane. I can completely relate to Montricia’s post. I am 38 and still have a lot of life left. But he has stripped me from any ability to support myself or our 5 children without him. He has control and he knows it. My only saving grace is my faith in God and knowing that God only gives you what you can handle, I need to remind myself that daily for the strength to survive. My reward is heaven and this is temporary. My biggest fear and worry is my daughter’s thinking this is how a husband treats his wife and even more, my sons lack of respect for me and women because of their father. I pray they will someday realize this is not normal and your father is sick. I have to love my kids 10x harder to makeup for him and pray it will be enough to treat he scaring from him. He is not abusive to our children directly. It is the psychological affect of them from seeing the outward emotional abuse on me. However he does make the children wait on him hand and foot like they are all beneath him and I am always jumping in to do it because I fell I made the decision to marry him and it’s my burden not theirs. Almost always the battles I choose are in defense of the kids and when I do I brace to endure his wrath and retaliation.
I’ve been married to a covert narcisist for 23 years. I just recently opened my eyes and realized what she is at the core. The stonewalling, gas lighting, and blame shifting always made me think about the part I played while she never took accountability. I feel so ashamed that it took me so long to realize jt. So many people have told me over the years and I was too blinded by love to see it. I have given up everything I enjoyed for this woman, sacrificed everyone I knew in vain attempts to make this woman happy. The fights. Omg the fights over the mist petty and mindane things turns into huge fights and me getting chased around all night. Every fight lead to cheating which I have never done but, it puts me on the defense and the focus off of her. I am misreable and am looking for a way out. I am terrified. She’s l pushed my buttons until I reacted and twisted things around. We have kids and she’s always putting me down and saying lies about me to them. I’ve worked my ass off to give her everything she wanted and now she can take half. I want so badly to expose her yet, I am terrified of her ability to play victim. How can I get out of this, get myself back, and not lose everythjng to a covert female narcissist? Help me please
I’m hoping that your situation has gotten better since you have posted. If not, I completely understand not wanting to leave with half of everything you have built for them without their help yet they are some how entitled to. One day, you will do what you know in your heart is right. Only you can know what that is. Until then, find solace in nature with your kids or by yourself. If you quiet your mind and open your heart, you will make time to hear your answers. You deserve better and the universe wants you to be happy.
I met my narcissist in 1997. I’ve had a lifetime of not being able to find my voice. Recently I’ve realized its because as long as the words don’t come out, then what I’m experiencing my outer world isn’t real. When I read steps 1-5 on how to survive a narcissist, it made me furious because this is my life on repeat. Endless repeat. But then I read step 6 and it told me what I already knew. Leave
. But when you have been beaten down to a ghost of your former self and isolated both financially and emotionally for so long, how do you leave? When your only support system is your invisible guardian angel? Don’t tell me there are places to call for help. Its not that easy. One side of perfection on a pedistal for the public and one side of darkness saved just for you…Be careful with your flippant words. Some of us are genuinely looking for your help. And the web that has been woven does not allow for one to just leave.
Pingback: 5 ways to handle confrontation – Renee Speaking
My mother is a narcissist. My little sister (who I raised from birth – 10yrs at the age of 13) is getting married. My mom asked her to I invite me from the weekend of the wedding dress try on because she wanted to “have her daughter all to herself.” She did and I can’t blame her because she’s still young and afraid to stand up to our mom. I expressed that I was hurt by this and of course my mom threw everything at me: my selfishness, my lack of respect, my ingratitude, my desire to injure my family (all dishonest).
How do I manage the anger I feel for the mountain of lies and cruelty? She’s such an immoral person that I know it’s pointless but I’m dying inside.
Pingback: How to Survive a Toxic Workplace | The Conflict Expert
Thank you for putting this article together. Most articles about dealing with a narcissist seem to jump straight to “avoid at all costs” but this one seems to acknowledge that sometimes you have to try to resolve conflict. This is especially true when a family member is married to one. Their decision to stay with the narcissist is outside of your control, but simply cutting out the spouse only further isolates your loved one from a healthy support network… So you have to learn to play nice. Conflict resolution will always feel one sided, but it’s important to understand it always is with someone with NPD, they aren’t capable of anything else… Don’t take it personally, their inability to emphasize, learn, and grow is a very sad thing for them in the end.
This is actually quite different from dealing with a covert narcissist – ie: can say sorry and listen but then do exactly what they want (over and over).
You shared a great article. I would like to appreciate your time and effort in creating this meaningful information. Here are my Thoughts about Narcissistic abuse coaches. Narcissistic abuse coaches can do more harm than good. While some may claim to help victims heal, they often perpetuate toxic mindsets and victim-blaming. Genuine support and professional counseling are crucial for survivors to recover from such trauma. Be wholly is one of the best service for Recovery from narcissistic abuse. Visit us!
Thank you! I really enjoyed reading yours too and hope that readers benefit from it .
I’m just coming to terms with the fact I’ve been with a covert narcissist for 13 years!!!! Im sicken to the core. I have a 10 year old girl and a 5 mos old baby with this man. He pointed out to me that he’s a covert narcissist in a way to make me feel bad for him Im sure. I looked it up and almost puked by what I was reading. I’ve heard the word, narcissist, but never really looked it up or deep dipped into it. I felt like it was an overused word probably because the narcissist in my life has discussed it before and made it seem over used. I’m stuck being a stay at home mom at the moment with my baby. I rented my house and the renter just Signed a new lease. I’m so disgusted. I feel so betrayed. I feel weak beat down worthless. I thought it was me all this time. I thought I was super wrong all the time and everything I did I would think before I speak I would think before I do, I would ask before I do. I was a slave. I’m so sad by this revelation, I do not dare cry in front of the man. I do not show any emotions whatsoever. Im dying inside. I’m trying to come up with a plan to get out of here, but it may take a year. Im so sick by this. I can’t even look at him Thankfully, since my daughter‘s been born, I moved into the extra room and have been sleeping in there since. I want to run. I know that there is going to be held to pay because I have left him before and it was horrible, but anything is better than being under his spell and his misery. My poor poor girls they’re always wondering is daddy in a good mood is he gonna be in a good mood today? Is he nice if he’s cleaning they all know he is in a bad mood. They don’t dare ask for anything. They don’t talk out of place they don’t have fun. They’re not their kid selves and I feel horrible with the mother. I’m going to rise above this. I am not a petty person and I am a strong woman who has done everything on her own with a man that has done nothing to help but bring misery. Please pray for me. Thank you for writing what you have.
Thank you for sharing, i’m really sorry you’re going through this. I will pray for you and your children and hope you find a way out. You’ve recognised what is going on and that is the first step to
freedom. You will get through this, the strength you have will get you through x
I have been dealing with a man for 3 years now, several things have happened that I tried to overlook in hopes he would want me and love me, through it all, besides being there for him, I have noticed he never accepts any fault on his part. He’s been the victim, as it seems. I have no friends, have changed jobs, gone in debt, have lost self worth, weight, and I am so deeply hurt all because of this man. I changed everything for him, and left with nothing but a $3000 dog, debt and mentally hurt. Need help! PLEASE!
I’m really sorry to read that. Firstly, well done for recognising that you needed to leave this relationship. It’s not easy ! What do you need help with exactly?