The Conflict Expert

I have a family member who behaves like a classic narcissist. She’s a compulsive liar, especially when she wants to hurt you.  She uses your vulnerabilities against you to undermine you. She has no empathy even in the tragedy of death. In short, I learned long ago as a very young child to avoid this woman and keep my interactions with her very superficial. As I grew older, I realised this was the best way to disarm her narcissistic sting. Keep it surface level and avoid her penchant for gaslighting and abuse. In fact, my silence made her want to entrap me more into her world of destruction but once she had you, the abuse would start again.

These lessons have taught me well. My instinct for these kinds of people and how to deal with them is never wrong. More importantly, she’s a good example of a narcissist being who and what they are. Unchanging and incapable of harmonious, loving, compassionate relationships which is what I want from in all of mine.

One of the goals of conflict resolution is to acknowledge the hurt caused to the parties involved. It may also include an understanding of how hurtful and wrong certain behaviours are, best expressed by an apology. In the case of a narcissist, you may just want them to stop being a narcissist! If you have been abused by them particularly painfully, then retribution or justice may also be what you are looking for. But conflict resolution done well, allows parties to move on and ideally strengthen their relationships. This involves listening with empathy and having the courage to confront your own behaviour. Compromise, understanding, and vulnerability are crucial elements in a creating a more hopeful, more peaceful future.

Narcissists can’t do this.

A true narcissist is unable to resolve conflict constructively. Any attempts to do so are likely to leave you mentally drained, emotionally damaged and could negatively affect those around you – children, colleagues, and friends, for example.

Here’s why:

• The narcissist is not listening to you and is not self-aware.
• They cannot stand being told they have behaved badly.
• They are likely to gaslight you, insult you, and upset you even more.
• They LOVE when you get angry. It fuels their narcissistic ego.
• It won’t change their behaviour.

Managing conflict with a narcissist is not about confrontation, it’s about self-management and there are more effective and less damaging ways to deal with them that – trust me- will be more satisfying once you commit to boundaries of steel and protecting yourself and those you care about.

Here is what you can do instead:

• Accept that this is who they are. They won’t change. Any relationship with a narcissist is about controlling you, undermining you, damaging you and ultimately ensuring that you are their emotional plaything.
• Maintain realistic expectations. Your relationship should be limited to superficial interactions. They won’t comfort you, support you or give you any empathy. You cannot have an intimate relationship with them; they will damage you and leave your self-esteem shattered. In many cases, you may be physically or financially damaged by them.
• Try not to take their nature personally. Ignore insults, deal with gaslighting by recording what they say (for your own sanity) and act as though their words have no effect on you.
• Don’t engage with them. Don’t be vulnerable to them by sharing ANY personal information for them to wound you with. Do not explain, do not attempt to get any validation, don’t defend what you have said or done.
• Leave the relationship if you can. Or at least, take steps to do so. I know this is not always an option, but it could be at some point and it’s something you could aim for.

Remember, conflict with a narcissist is destructive. It is not the kind of conflict that leads to a deeper understanding of another person’s values or beliefs, and neither can it be resolved with empathic, creative solutions. Don’t expect to receive an apology or acknowledgement from a narcissist for the pain they have caused you. The best way to deal with a narcissist is avoid them, either by creating physical distance from them or mental and emotional distance. Either way, protect yourself as much as you can from their rage.

I’d love to read your comments – how did conflict with a narcissist end? Do you have any strategies for dealing with this type of conflict? Leave a comment below!