The Conflict Expert

I have written a lot about constructive communication being the KEY to conflict resolution. But it doesn’t just mean saying the right thing which is why we have conflicts in the first place!

What it entails is active listening as well as responding. Effective conflict resolution creates durable solutions that rebuild trust and strengthen our relationships. To do that, we must identify the root of the problem. How? By listening attentively.

This skill will help you to negotiate better, resolve conflict effectively and fearlessly have difficult conversations with somebody else.

And it’s not easy when you feel strong emotions. When we feel wronged, we may want to give the person we blame, a piece of our mind! When we want something badly, it clouds our judgment. All of this is completely understandable but failing to listen can make conflict worse.

Respect and politeness go a long way in bringing about peaceful outcomes. They make your opponent human again and give you dignity in any conflict. Listening actively shows empathy and the act of allowing a person to be heard may resolve the conflict without having to do much more.

Here’s what you do when you are actively listening:

• Calm your emotions. It helps to distance yourself physically from the conflict. If you can, talk to a friend, partner, therapist or whoever it is that helps you to process emotions. Go for a run, have a night out with a friend, dance, meditate, do what it takes to enable you to burn of that energetic energy and channel it towards seeing the bigger picture.
• Do not interrupt, do not challenge, do not judge. No commentary is required of you except to remind them that you are listening. I do this by nodding my head, maintaining eye contact (appropriately), and saying things like, ‘OK’, ‘I understand,’ ‘sure’.
• Summarise what they say. This will help you to remember the details and it will show that you are present and taking note of what is important to them. Here is an example:

Person A: ‘You really annoyed me when you implemented those new procedures. I’ve been working here for 20 years, I know my job better than you do.’

Person B: ‘You felt angry with the changes because they undermine the good experience you have of this job.’

Summarising what you hear allows you to reframe it in a way that bolsters the other person’s self-esteem and helps you understand better what is being said. This can help to build trust and show you are listening.

• Look out for information that will serve you. In the example above, Person A has indicated that they want to be acknowledged for the work they have done over the years AND they don’t like change. Person B, didn’t intend to undermine Person A but perception is in the eye of the beholder. It looks like this could be the crux of the conflict and Person B can then take steps to approach a resolution from that angle.
• Always respond with empathy. You can do this when any emotion is expressed by repeating back to the person (as above) what you have heard. You can also use certain phrases to show it (‘your anger makes sense’,  ‘I understand why you feel that way’, ‘that sounds hard’, etc.)
• Ask questions and be curious when you don’t understand. Asking for clarification is a positive step towards better understanding and it brings you closer to resolution. Person B could ask more about Person A’s experience because it could be useful in the future and their take on implementing new procedures may help Person B manage essential changes more seamlessly in the future. This is why curiosity in conflict is extremely useful.
• Keep your tone, body language and voice pitch neutral and open. Crossing your legs and arms may be comfortable but it can signal that you are closed off. Don’t yawn, or look away for long periods of time. Maintaining appropriate eye contact will help to build connection and engagement which opens the space to expressing vulnerability that could help you build bridges.

You can expect to be corrected if you don’t understand everything first time, and that’s ok.

How will you know if your have been listening actively? You will feel connected and engaged, fully present and this will be reflected in the other person’s response. More importantly, you will see that the other person feels heard. You’ll know it hasn’t worked when anger escalates to shouting, insults or worse.

You can then ask for them to listen to your side of the conflict. Whether or not they will be as skilled as you is another story….

As always, I would love to know what you think? Does anything else help you when you are listening actively? Please feel free to leave your comments and thoughts and a donation if you enjoyed this blog post. I love helping people to resolve their conflicts and I don’t get paid for it but your kind words and deeds keep me inspired!