The Conflict Expert

Self-love is often misunderstood as an arrogant belief that you are more beautiful, more intelligent and more deserving of praise than anyone else. This is a self-inflated view which has no real basis.

What serves us better is self-compassion. This has been defined by academics as “being open to and aware of one’s own suffering, offering kindness and understanding towards oneself, desiring the self’s well-being, taking a non-judgemental attitude towards one’s inadequacies and failures and framing one’s own experience in light of the common human experience.”[1] What you are not doing is pitying yourself but instead, treating yourself as you would somebody you love unconditionally. You accept all of your traits, characteristics, mistakes and achievements without judgment. This is what loving yourself is all about.

Conflict and Self-Esteem

Conflict is a normal part of life and often shows up in our relationships with others.  When you are in conflict with somebody, you may feel that your needs are no longer being fulfilled in a satisfying way. It is often emotional and it can result in experiencing: 

• Loss
• Abandonment
• Hurt
• Confusion
• Inadequacy
• Anger
• Sadness
• Loss of trust
• Disappointment that things haven’t worked out how you wanted them to
• Stress
• Anxiety

All of these feelings can lead to a loss of self-esteem and this can switch on destructive self- talk that stops you from exercising compassion towards yourself.

Toxic Ways of Talking to Yourself in Conflict

Adopting an attitude of self-love takes time, practice and self-awareness and it can be hard to be kind towards yourself in times of conflict.  It’s easy to feel shame and regret when you react angrily towards somebody or you don’t express yourself in a way that you are proud of. You might even judge yourself negatively for that or criticise yourself harshly, telling yourself that somehow you have failed. This is an understandable emotional reaction to conflict.

Sometimes, we are not even aware of the negative ways we speak to ourselves, especially when we feel depressed or lacking in self-esteem. Many of us might use phrases like:

• I’m not good enough;
• They are more important than me so I’ll stay
  quiet about how I feel and hope the problem goes away;
• I feel ashamed about my anger/sadness/ needs
• It’s my fault!

This way of talking to yourself reveals a lot of self-blame, shame and low self-worth. When you talk to yourself in this way, you are placing the needs of another person on a pedestal and telling them that you are not as important as they are.

Cultivating Self-Love During a Conflict

Even when you are feeling alienated, under-appreciated and attacked because of a conflict with somebody else, you can take small steps to give yourself the love and gratitude that you deserve and wish to receive from others.  Here are some of the most life-changing and powerful ways that you can do it:

1. Get some emotional distance. Conflict can sometimes be overwhelming. The best thing to do when you feel it is getting too much for you is to take a break from it. Go for a walk in nature, take a yoga class, chat to a friend. Try to focus on something other than the argument, disagreement or dispute. It can do wonders to help you put things into perspective and think creatively and practically about how you will resolve it.
2. Treat Yourself Well. Self-love isn’t all about self-care but it’s a good place to start. For some, it may mean pampering yourself a little. During times of conflict and high emotion, it’s about giving yourself what you need. That could mean going to bed an hour earlier than usual because you feel exhausted. It could also mean giving yourself some time alone to meditate or do an activity that relaxes you. Nourishment and comfort are extremely important to help you cope with difficult emotions. Eating and sleeping well are essential to any self-love regime.
3. Learn To Say No. Putting boundaries in place gives relationships clarity and tells people that you value yourself. More importantly, you aren’t willing to accept treatment that doesn’t acknowledge that value. Somebody with boundaries always speaks out assertively (not aggressively) when they feel used, abused, under-valued, unacknowledged and disrespected. When they do, the other person understands that they need to change their behaviour for the relationship to continue. Doing this will help you stop conflict before it starts.
4. Figure Out What’s Important To You. Understanding what your needs are is the first step to preventing a conflict. The next is communicating it in a neutral and polite manner. In any kind of relationship, we have certain expectations and needs. One of your needs could be having your opinion respected. It could relate to intimacy, being accepted, feeling listened to. These are just a few needs, which when left unfulfilled can lead to conflict or make underlying problems worse. If you can identity which needs are not being fulfilled, you can then communicate what you do want from the person you are in a relationship with (romantic or otherwise). This will boost your self-esteem, confidence and self-worth because you are respecting yourself in the most honest way.
5. Forgive Yourself. If your critical inner voice is giving you a hard time over a recent argument, learn to self-forgive. Remind yourself that you are only human. Nobody has mastered their emotions, it takes a life time to come anywhere close to that! We all make mistakes but the important thing is that we recognise our actions, accept them and turn them into a learning point.
6. Avoid Relationships That Damage You. The first step is to communicate constructively, how you feel and what needs to change for the relationship to continue. If things don’t change or your concerns are ignored, then consider ending the relationship and moving on. This sounds brutal but it really is about making sure you are nourished by positive people.

This all sounds so simple. It takes a lot of time and energy to practice self-love! I keep a gratitude journal to thank myself each day for something. Meditation also helps to increase my self-awareness. In times of conflict, this helps me to get some distance and gain some perspective. Journaling can also help map out the kind of relationships you really want.