The Conflict Expert

I never thought I would be writing about Married at First Sight UK until now. Thinking about it, it’s the perfect breeding ground for dramatic, destructive conflict that divides and unites audiences and drives up ratings.

From a conflict perspective, there’s a lot to critique. But one thing that has stuck out for me is Amy and Luke’s relationship. If you don’t watch the show, it’s billed as a social experiment to match couples based on various psychological factors (as well as TV appeal) and to see how their relationships develop. The couples marry each other on the day they meet and they are followed as they get to know one another.

Amy and Luke look beautiful together. He’s from Malta, she’s from the UK and their meeting started well.

However, as the series progressed, the couple become angry and resentful towards each other. Amy believed Luke was lying to her and made comments to her that she found inappropriately sexual. He struggled to understand how she felt and said that he was left humiliated and violated when she introduced him to her friends and probed him to talk about a subject he did not want to. An explosive argument led to the two splitting dramatically and Amy using several expletives to express her rage.

Clearly, this is not the way I advocate conflict management. Their communication is a clear example of emotions running wild and two people being at their mercy.

What I advocate instead is a clear and open communication in a safe environment. Your partner should feel secure in telling you how they feel, what they need and what they want instead without blame, judgement or criticism. Listening attentively and with empathy to the other person allows you to see things from their perspective and build your connection with them.

I have taken a romantic relationship as an example, but the same principles and the same conflict can appear in any kind of partnership. Why? Because conflict is a normal part of human interaction.

The first thing the couple need to explore with each other is what constitutes an acceptable standard of behaviour and communication. Agreeing on stepping away and getting distance from high emotion allows both people to calm down and think things through.

Here are a few other issues they could explore:

• What do both people consider to be a lie? For Amy, anything that deviates from the truth in any way is a lie. For her, this erodes truth and undermines the relationship, no matter what the lie is about. Luke doesn’t see it that way. He sees a lie as acceptable if it is “white” i.e. said in order to avoid causing any harm. If Luke can understand this, he may feel more freedom to express his truth in an empathetic manner.
• Both people need to create a safe environment so that the truth will not lead to blame. Amy should be questioning why Luke doesn’t feel safe to tell her the truth instead of immediately criticising Luke. There are many reasons people lie. They may wish to hide elements of who they are and their past because they feel ashamed. If this is the case, they will need to feel safe to express this vulnerability. If Amy continues to use expletives and  uses her friends as a pretext to support her, Luke will never feel safe to express himself open and honestly. Being vulnerable with another person draws them closer to you in most cases. It builds trust and connection but it needs to be treated with love and respect otherwise, the person expressing it may feel hurt, betrayed and angry.
• What are their values? It is clear that Amy values honesty in a relationship, above all else. Luke does not share this value to the same degree. It is important that Luke continues to discuss what he does value and what he needs as so far, the emphasis has been on Amy’s needs. Bringing curiosity to this conflict will allow each other to be open about this but both must respect this space. A person’s values are not right or wrong, they are just things we hold dear and if you want long term, healthy relationships, they must form the cornerstone of your communication.
• Both need to remember, it is not the person who is at fault, it’s the behaviour. If Amy and Luke can keep this in mind, they can make their conflict less personal, volatile and insulting and focus instead on the changes they want to see in each other.
• A person’s culture may affect their perception of certain behaviours The way an English person communicates is very different to how a Maltese person communicates – again, it’s not right or wrong but it does require understanding. Both need to openly discuss and listen to each other in understanding whether their culture does play a part in topics which can be talked about in public and those which make them feel uncomfortable.

The key to resolving any conflict is constructive communication which involves expressing oneself respectfully and openly. Equally, feeling heard and asking questions non-judgmentally can in itself, make a person feel respected. This is an act of empathy and goes a long way to show respect. When you do this, trust may start to build bit by bit with consistent behaviour over time.

Will they stay together or not? Amy wants to leave but Luke wants to stay and prove to her that he can be trusted. But unless they take on board some of the advise above, they’ll continue to anger each other and break their connection. This, in itself, is a great lesson that comes out of conflict. Learning about what motivates conflict reveals a lot about a person’s values, perspectives and what their needs are. Knowing that your partnership will never flourish will help you move onto something much more suitable.

As always, I’d love to read your comments and thoughts!