The Conflict Expert

How do you deal with a bully ? Whether in the work place, in personal relationships or in international politics, is it ever wise to appease the demands of a more dominant person?

The aim of appeasement is to maintain the peaceful status quo. If it’s a dominating manager you are dealing with, you might agree to their demands to work late because you are worried you might lose your job- even if it means sacrificing your personal life.

But does it put a stop to dominating behaviours or encourage them ?

Benefits of Appeasement in Interpersonal Relationships

In interpersonal settings, appeasement behaviors can serve as tools for de-escalation and reconciliation. Research indicates that nonverbal cues like submissive gestures and explicit expressions of embarrassment, shame or remorse, can help restore harmony after conflicts. Apologies perform this function and a genuine one can rebuild trust and cooperation.

Appeasement can prevent conflicts from escalating into more severe confrontations. By yielding to certain demands or showing vulnerability, individuals may diffuse potential aggression from dominant parties, maintaining a semblance of peace and stability in the relationship. This approach can be particularly beneficial in situations where the power imbalance is significant, and direct confrontation may lead to adverse outcomes – like losing your job.

Disadvantages of Appeasement

But if you consistently give into a bully’s demands, this could reinforce their domineering behavior. It could enliven the bully’s sense of entitlement and erode the self-esteem and autonomy of the person who appeases.

If you keep on appeasing, you may feel compromised and frustrated for not standing up for your interests. Over time, this can lead to emotional distress and a diminished sense of self-worth. Guilt often arises where individuals feel they have violated personal expectations or norms, which can occur when you are consistent in appeasing others by acting against your own desires.

The Emotional Impact of Appeasement

Whilst appeasement is effective in averting conflict, over time, it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and resentment. The appeasing individual might struggle with a sense of identity loss. When pleasing others becomes a habit, your own needs and desires are neglected, and this is a form of self-rejection.

It can also lead to increased stress and anxiety as conflict may become more likely in the future since the bully knows this is a sure way to get what he wants from you.

As a go-to conflict strategy, it’s emotionally draining and doesn’t work in the long-run.

Alternative Strategies

Every conflict is different and you need to use your judgment in assessing your best strategy to resolve it. Appeasement can work in the short term with the aim of buying time to think of a more long-term solution. That could look like agreeing to your bullying manager’s demands for a few months whilst you look for another job. Or, paying a disgruntled customer compensation in order to get rid of them and focus on more important things.

My usual advice when dealing with a bully is to use assertive communication techniques to address conflicts. This involves expressing one’s needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully, without yielding to unreasonable demands. If you don’t need to buy time, this is the only way you’ll show a bully that you won’t accept their attempts to dominate.

One of the best defences to any kind of bully is your emotional coat of armour. Building up your self-esteem, sense of self-worth and generating the skills you need to communicate those parts of your identity will give you a firm grounding.

As always, I’d love to read your comments and thoughts. How have you ever used appeasement to avoid conflict? Did it work ? Please feel free to leave your views :-)