The Conflict Expert

It’s not every day that you see the leader of the Free World tear strips off another leader of a country at war. One that isn’t even an enemy. Zelenskyy was berated for not wearing a suit when he recently visited Washington to discuss ending the war with Russia. He was told that he should have been more grateful for America’s support and was ejected from the White House shortly afterwards. Whatever you believe about this conflict is not up for discussion in this blog post. However, I am going to illustrate why humiliating a counter-part in any conflict will only create more conflict.

Following the meeting, Trump and Rubio demanded a public apology from Zelenskyy for his behaviour. The intention was to humiliate and dominate but that will not work. In my personal view, it simply underlines how hard it is to resolve conflict with a narcissist, especially when it’s almost impossible to leave a relationship with them.

This is not just my opinion. It’s supported by Sun Tzu’s, The Art of War, a renowned military strategist in the 5th century BC and below, I’ve outlined some key principles to keep in mind if you do hold all the power in a conflict.

Humiliating Your Enemy in The Art of War

Sun Tzu strongly warns against humiliating or unnecessarily crushing an opponent. His philosophy emphasizes pragmatism, long-term strategy, and avoiding unnecessary conflict, rather than seeking personal vengeance or domination for its own sake. Remember, this was written by a military general – he’d seen war which is why he wanted to avoid it.

Here’s why The Art of War discourages humiliation of an enemy:

1. A Humiliated Enemy Becomes a Future Threat

“Do not press a desperate foe too hard.”

If an enemy is publicly humiliated, they are more likely to seek revenge in the future. Humiliation breeds resentment, making them more determined to strike back when the opportunity arises. Instead, a wise leader offers an opponent a way to retreat or recover with dignity, reducing long-term hostility.

2. Victory Without Animosity Is More Effective

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”

Crushing an opponent’s pride might feel satisfying in the short term, but it often leads to unnecessary resistance. A defeated enemy who retains dignity may become a future ally or at least remain neutral rather than seeking revenge.

3. Giving the Enemy an Honorable Way Out Prevents Prolonged Conflict

“Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across.”

If a leader gives an enemy a face-saving way to withdraw, they are less likely to fight to the last man. This prevents unnecessary destruction and allows for a smoother resolution to conflict.

4. Diplomacy is More Powerful Than Brutality

“To capture the enemy’s entire army is better than to destroy it.”

The best victory is one that brings long-term stability, not just immediate dominance. An opponent who is crushed and humiliated may return with a vengeance, whereas one who is respected may be open to peace.

5. Flexibility Over Arrogance

“A leader who is arrogant will lose in the end.”

A leader who humiliates others often underestimates their enemies. Overconfidence and unnecessary cruelty can lead to downfall, as it invites resistance from those who might have otherwise surrendered or stayed neutral.

Applying this to personal conflicts, grudges can develop against colleagues who undermine you in a meeting. Demands for apologies feel aggressive and only inflame your feelings towards an opponent. Repeatedly humiliating those you are in conflict with makes you look egotistical and unable to separate yourself from the problem. If you set your personal feelings aside and see the big picture, you will resolve conflict definitively – presuming, that is what you want.

As always, I’d love to read your thoughts on this. Feel free to comment below!