The Conflict Expert

You want to re-connect with a family member who you haven’t spoken to in years. You’ve gone over what you would say to them a million times but when it comes to making the first step, you just don’t know how to.  How do you reach out without opening old wounds?

Family estrangements are common and it’s a topic I am often asked about. The love that we feel for our relatives can be so strong that no matter what has happened, that bond still draws you to them. But the fear of rejection is sometimes the only barrier holding us back from contacting them and It’s understandable. Family conflict runs deep. It’s full of grief, pain, sadness and regret.

But re-connection is possible. With courage, patience and realistic expectations, you can make amends and put the past behind you.

Why Families Drift Apart  

Some of the reasons include:

• Betrayal or a deeply painful conflict.
• Feeling the need to protect one’s mental and emotional well-being. This could relate to alcoholism, drug abuse or other toxic behaviours.
• Misunderstandings that have not been clarified and continue to divide.

Silence is not always a punishment. Getting distance from the conflict is can be necessary to protect oneself from feeling overwhelmed by emotion.

Things to Consider Before You Reconnect With A Family Member

 Ask yourself the following questions before you make contact :

• What do I want to get out of this?
• What do I expect to get out of it?
• What might happen instead?
• How will I handle the alternative outcome?

Your aim might be to re-connect with your son after years of no contact. You want to explain to him your behaviour, apologise and rekindle your relationship. You want his forgiveness. You expect him to be apprehensive and hesitant after but hope he will not immediately dismiss your attempts. Instead, he may not respond at all. He may tell you he is not interested and ask you never to contact him again. This could be very painful and disappointing, leaving you with even more grief.

Before making contact, ensure that you are emotionally ready by considering these possibilities and preparing yourself for them. A therapist, mediator or trusted friend could help you understand your own emotions and responses prior to reaching out.

First Steps to Reconnect With A Family Member

 Focus on taking baby steps towards reconnection. By approaching your relative with gentle, sensitive requests to meet, they may be more open to the possibility.

When you do decide to take the first step, it’s best to:

• Keep your message simple
• Stay open and not demanding of their time
• Focus on reconnection – don’t rehash the past. That may come later.

Here is an example of a text you could send:

“You’ve been on my mind this Christmas, and I really hope you are well. If you are open to it, I would love to call you. Would that be possible?”  

OR

“I was thinking of you this weekend and hope you had a lovely birthday. I wonder whether you would like to meet for a coffee?”

If you have a trusted friend or relative who knows you both, you could ask them to approach your relative to test the waters. This may make the relative feel more comfortable.

Most importantly, allow your relative time to respond. This is a judgment call on your part about how long you wait but chasing for a response may feel intrusive at this stage.  

Tips For Building Bridges Slowly

Connecting and reconnecting with an estranged family member is a process. It often requires time and effort to build and rebuild trust and intimacy. This is true of any relationship but especially in this context.

With that in mind, try the following :

• Start with small steps forward – an initial text, a short phone call, a coffee. These small stones make up good foundations.
• Meet in neutral places such as a park, a café, a shopping mall.
• Keep your conversation about the present and don’t revisit the past until you both feel comfortable doing so.
• Avoid any toxic forms of communication such as blame, aggression, a lack of accountability, gaslighting. They will destroy trust and respect.
• Thank them for agreeing to speak or meet and be positive about it!

When Reconnection Isn’t Possible

Despite your best intentions and efforts, sometimes reconnection simply isn’t possible—at least not right now. The other person may not be ready, or circumstances may make closeness out of reach. In such moments, it’s essential to respect their boundaries and recognise that healing does not always follow a predictable path.

This doesn’t diminish the significance of your attempt or the progress you’ve made within yourself. Reaching out, even when the outcome is uncertain, is an act of bravery and self-compassion. It’s a testament to your willingness to grow and seek understanding, regardless of how the other person responds.

Next Steps

Reconnecting with somebody can be a long and challenging process. It can heal but it can hurt too and it’s perfectly normal to feel conflicting emotions about it.

This blog post is intended to help you in your conflict journey but if you need further help and guidance, please contact me for more information. You don’t have to do this alone.