How to Stay Grounded When Someone Else Is Angry
I used to have a colleague who would get angry about everything. He was unapproachable, touchy and really negative. As a young trainee lawyer, it was really hard to know how to handle his outbursts in meetings or after an alcohol fueled lunch (this was a long time ago…) I would freeze, repress my own irritation with him and find ways to avoid him. It wasn’t pleasant or helpful. I didn’t know how to stay grounded when someone else was angry.
Sometimes, I wanted to defend myself or snap back. But mostly, I would shut down, not knowing what to do But there’s another option I didn’t know about. One that protects dignity, defuses tension, and keeps the conversation on track: staying grounded.
Why Other People’s Anger Feels So Hard
When someone else’s tone sharpens, your brain instantly scans for danger. Your heart rate rises, breathing shortens, muscles tighten. These are all signs of your body’s built-in threat response.
It also signals potential danger, especially as a young woman faced with a grown man. It’s unlikely that a colleague would use violence in the office. But that logic doesn’t stop fear, especially when your colleague has more authority or some other power over you.
Your response to somebody else’s anger is a response to your own, and it helps to identify what triggers it.
Regulate Before You Relate By Staying Grounded
You can’t calm another person if you’re not calm yourself.
Your nervous system sets the tone. When you lower your voice and slow your breathing, you send a powerful non-verbal signal of safety.
Before you speak, check in with yourself:
- Is my body relaxed or tense?
- Am I breathing or holding my breath?
- Can I respond rather than react?
A few slow breaths or a deliberate pause can reset your physiology and keep the conversation within reach.
🪷 Grounding tip: Place your feet flat on the floor and feel the weight of your body in the chair. Physical grounding anchors emotional steadiness.
Respond Without Mirroring
It’s easy to match someone’s tone when emotions are stable. But when both voices rise, no one’s listening and it’s easy for your tone to escalate with somebody else’s.
Instead, stay neutral but firm. Let your steadiness be the boundary that keeps the interaction safe.
Try phrases like:
- “I can see this really matters to you.”
- “Let’s take a breath for a moment.”
- “I’m listening.”
You’re not agreeing; you’re acknowledging.
When anger is met with empathy rather than resistance, it loses its fuel.
Validate Without Agreeing
Validation and agreement are not the same thing.
Validation says, “I see that you’re upset.” Agreement says, “You’re right.”
You can calm someone down without conceding the argument. Anger often softens the moment it feels seen.
Use a calm tone and grounded body language such as steady eye contact, open posture, slower speech. Then try a simple phrase like:
💬 “I can hear that you’re frustrated. Let’s take a breath and figure this out.”
It’s remarkable how far those words can go.
Boundaries: Calm Isn’t Compliance
Staying calm doesn’t mean staying silent in the face of aggression. You can be firm and kind at the same time.
If anger turns into shouting, personal attacks, or intimidation, draw the line:
🚦 “I want to keep this constructive, but not while voices are raised. Let’s take a break and come back to it.”
Setting this boundary protects both people’s dignity. It also signals that while emotions are valid, disrespect isn’t.
Calm is not submission; it’s self-respect.
After the Storm: Repair and Reflection
When things cool down, take a moment to process what happened.
- What triggered the anger?
- What helped de-escalate it?
- What would you do differently next time?
If the relationship matters, follow up once emotions have settled:
🤝 “Yesterday got tense, and I’d like us to find a better way to handle these moments.”
Repairing after anger builds trust. It shows that strong emotions don’t have to end relationships. They can deepen understanding when handled well.
Quick Practice: The 3-Step Grounding Reset
When you feel someone else’s anger rising, remember this:
- Body – “My body’s reacting.” Notice the sensations of the body
- Breathe – Slow exhale, soften shoulders. Focus on your breathing
- Balance– “They’re angry. I can stay steady.” Acknowledge their emotion (and yours) and balance yourself.
This short circuit-breaker keeps you out of reactivity and in control of your response.
Anger is scary. It shakes our core and shifts things out of balance, including our emotional and mental well-being. Using the techniques above can help us find the steadiness and calm we need to protect ourselves from other people’s instability.
It’s not your job to control other people but your own responses to them are your responsibility.
Need help with an angry colleague? You are not alone. Get in touch for a free consultation to see if the Conflict Expert can help.