The Conflict Expert

Not long after my father was diagnosed with cancer, he couldn’t do normal things like find the strength to get out of a chair or walk very far. It was heartbreaking to see my strong, protective father slowly lose his independence. To make his life easier, I bought him an electric reclining chair to help him get up and down. But when it was delivered, it was faulty. I was disappointed and anxious because we didn’t know how long my father had left to live and I wanted to ease his suffering in any way I could.

But the furniture company I bought the chair from didn’t see it that way, despite explaining why I needed a quick replacement. The eight to twelve weeks to deliver another chair was not going to work.

“How is that our problem?” the salesperson replied.

As you can imagine, it escalated my complaint and angered me. I put down the phone and burst into tears, desperate to find a solution but not able to think straight. I took a deep breath, re-read the terms and conditions, called back and asked to speak to the manager. I explained again my situation and a working chair was delivered the next day with flowers and a card expressing their regret.

That is the power of empathy in action. After an initial failure to connect with me on an emotional level, the manager who had been in my place not so long ago, showed me what I needed. Some basic understanding on a human level.

And that’s why empathy is important. It calmed me. It made me feel heard. It made me feel cared for. That small act of kindness reminded me of its power to transform a conflictual situation into healing.

Why does the power of empathy do this ?

When you weave empathy into a disagreement, you recognise the emotions being shown. This is crucial because so much of conflict is about feeling unseen, unheard and misunderstood. Feeling insignificant undermines a person’s self-esteem and they may feel the need to restore it through revenge, aggression, violence, dominance and humiliation. This only leads to a cycle of destructive conflict.

What does it look like?

Genuine empathy understands another perspective and feeling. If a person feels sad, you can understand why they would feel that way because you can identify with that experience. Grief is a good example of that. If you have ever experienced the death of a close loved one, you know how that feels and so you offer words or do something to give them comfort.

In my example above, what I would have liked to hear is:

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I can understand why you are anxious about the time it will take to deliver a new chair. I’m going to try my best to find a solution but it might mean calling you back later today after I have discussed it with my manager. Let me assure you that we’ll do everything possible to help. How does that sound to you?”

You could also consider some other useful phrases to express empathy.

What do you think about this? I’d love to read your comments and thoughts.