The Conflict Expert

It’s that time of year again. You either can’t wait for it to happen or breathe a sigh of relief when it’s over.

Family dynamics play a huge part in creating conflict for a variety of reasons, and Christmas usually brings these into the open because we spend so much time together. Old wounds can open up again, we may feel like we are treated as children by our older relatives or we may not want to fall back into our old, childhood or parental roles that resurface when the family regroups. To say this is normal, is an understatement. However, conflict in all forms can feel overwhelming, especially because we are expected to have fun and enjoy our time together.

But you can prepare yourself for a potentially conflictual situation by learning how to navigate it. Those waters can be murky and there may be unexpected obstacles that pop up when you least expect them – some people just get under your skin and will irritate you no matter what. But if you follow my tips below, you can help yourself to deal with it better.

The key to this is remembering, you can’t change other people’s behaviour or perception but you can change yours. And that is the beginning of conflict management and emotional maturity.

(1) Reframe how you see problematic behaviour. If a relative either passively or openly criticises you, compares you unfavourably to others or undermines you, it may help to know that they do this to themselves in the most painful way. Somebody who likes to sow doubt suffers from a lack self-belief and if they undermine you or tell you that they would have done something differently, it’s just a reflection of their own need to have their actions validated and approved of. This is not about you; it’s about them and they may be suffering because of their own, negative self talk. Isn’t that deserving of compassion? This may help you to approach their comments in a different, kinder way.

(2) Ditch the angry response. It takes a lot of self-control to respond with kindness and humour, to comments that antangonise you. We are all, only human. But it can be done. To the over-critical parent, you could thank them for continuing to be concerned with your well-being. To the person giving unsolicited advice, why not tell them how valuable their perspective is? The person who insults you, it’s best to simply stay silent and ignore. What we are not doing is responding with anger, sarcasm or in a passive aggressive way but we are opening to the possibility that there is some value in those comments you find annoying.

(3) Accepting them as they are means accepting yourself. If you feel angry about being undermined, you may dislike this quality in yourself- the same with a whole host of negative attributes. If your mother’s constant reminders not to be late or not to forget your wallet infuriates you, this could be because you feel immature or childlike in some areas of your life. You may feel miserable when somebody asks you why you are single but that may be because you too feel this way about it. This is not good or bad but needs to be explored and accepted or changed.

(4) Get some distance. Family gatherings can be intense but if it gets too much, you can always go into another room for a break, get some fresh air, go for a walk. The intention is calm yourself down and go back when you are ready to do so.

The beauty of this approach is that it changes our perspective of conflict. It also sets an internal boundary because you can respond politely, gracefully, diplomatically AND not let toxic comments affect your day to day life. So what if your uncle keeps telling you to change your parenting style? You can tell him how interesting his view is and carry on as before. Or the aunt that tells you to hurry up if you want to have children. You can simply laugh, make a joke and change nothing in your life.

This is what true confidence is. It’s exactly what comfortable, self-compassion is. Because in accepting that you can’t change others, you can look within yourself and see what needs to change or be accepted. The long road to emotional maturity, freedom and inner peace begins there.

If you like what you have just read, please feel free to leave a donation. I want to carry on delivering tips and advice to make sure your relationships remain healthy and strong and that you can grow from the conflicts in your life. Thanks so much for reading and if you can’t leave a donation, please leave a comment!