The Conflict Expert

I was eleven years old and thrilled that my next door neighbour’s grand daughter was visiting from Saint Lucia. The thought of far away islands made me imagine adventures that would materialise years later. We spent the whole summer chatting about boys, looking at magazines and playing in parks together. I was sad when she went back home at the beginning of September and vowed to keep in touch with postcards and letters. But soon, our exchanges petered out. This was my first experience of ghosting, and it hurt.

But not so much as it did after a romantic encounter. The confusion was hard to deal with and I sent several messages asking if the other person was o.k., only to hear that he was. He’d moved on without offering me the closure I seemed to need.

Ghosting is unsurprisingly common. Some might argue it’s down to technology – messages are easy to send or not and rejection seems more imminent when you know the other person is never far from their phone.

But as my eleven year old self would tell you, sometimes, relationships end without closure. Technology has made us more painfully aware of this.

What is ghosting?

The term “ghosting” refers to a sudden break in communication between two people who are usually, romantically involved, although it caan apply to any relationship. It’s much easier to end contact because all we need to do is stop texting. We know who is calling our mobile phones and we don’t need to pick up.

The person who intentionally ghosts does so to avoid telling uncomfortable truths; that they have met somebody else, they are no longer interested, they are scared of intimacy or they simply do not know why they are running away from you! The truth is, it’s more about the other person than it is about you.

You may have even ghosted somebody yourself. Maybe the other person was bombarding you with text messages and did not respect you when you asked them to slow down the pace of your connection. You may have felt scared to explain to somebody quite intimidating, that you had lost interest in them. You may have just not had the skills to communicate in an assertive and sensitive manner.

Reframing Rejection

You could see ghosting not as a rejection but instead, as a realisation. There are other, more fruitful opportunities out there, whether romantic or otherwise. If you can turn rejection into a realisation, that can motivate you to move onto bigger and better things.

On a personal note, I’m trying to find an agent for a book I’m hoping to publish and whilst most agents send a kindly worded email of thanks but no thanks, some just don’t get back to me. But that’s ok. They’re busy, they’re interested in other projects, it’s not for them. I can understand that and instead of falling into a whirlpool of negativity, it has made me reassess elements of my manuscript, seek expert advice and take a different approach. Those helpful rejections have led to realisations that hopefully, will bring me closer to my goal.

If you can’t do this, it may be worth exploring your self-esteem as rejection, ghosting and the silent treatment hurt those with low self-value most.

Should I contact the person who ghosted me?

Here are some questions to ask yourself before you decide what to do:

• Get some distance. If you’re hurt and angry, it’s a good idea to distance yourself from any kind of communicating. Leave your phone at home and go for a walk. See friends, have a good cry. But don’t vent at the other person. Why ? Because it can lead to unnecessary conflict that only makes things worse.
• What will you achieve? If you are still desperate to make contact, ask yourself what you will achieve by doing so. Do you really want to stay friends and if so, what will your friendship be like?
• Why do you want to contact them? Again, question your motives. Are you trying to keep a connection that is no longer alive , even if that results in conflict or do you want to express your feelings so that you can move on? If it’s the latter, then can you do so in an assertive and kind manner? If you can’t then, what is the purpose of your communication?
• What has this made you realise about yourself and the other person? Ask yourself why you are willing to be friends with somebody who so easily rejects you? Hopefully, the realisation is that you are worth more.

As always, I’m interested to know what you think about this. Have you been ghosted ? How did you respond to it? Do you wish you had responded?