The Conflict Expert

Often during a negotiation, one negotiator may threaten to end discussions and instead pursue a claim in the courts; an employee may threaten to leave their job if they don’t get a pay rise; a customer may say they will write a negative review about your business if they don’t get the service they want.

Threats follow failed attempts to persuade. They are usually motivated by the following :

(1) a need to dominate and show strength;

(2) the person threatening the other feels they are not being taken seriously or their interests are at stake;

(3) talks are not making progress and it appears that there is no other solution to the problem.

Threats could be communicated subtly or aggressively. Irrespective of this, you may feel like you have no choice but to give into those threats. It may feel that you have no control over this BUT you can regain it by following the steps below.

In conflict resolution, you always have options. And if you don’t, you can create them. Here’s how.

• Determine how genuine the threat is. Figure out whether the threat is a bluff or it is your opponent’s best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA). If you’re an employee who wants a pay rise, the employer will be wondering whether you already have a job offer lined up if they don’t pay you more money. They may know or hear from others, your desire to stay or leave. If they know that the job market is not favourable for job seekers, they may think you are bluffing, especially if the request is unrealistic. Finally, if they have already refused a previous salary rise demand and the employee made the same threat but didn’t follow through, they may believe they are bluffing. In any case, researching and viewing the disagreement from your opponent’s perspective will help you determine whether their threat could be genuine or not. This will allow you to strategise how to approach it.

• Ask questions to understand why the person is making the threat. Is the threat being made because they don’t feel heard? Have you failed to understand their limitations or have you offended them in some way? You may ask why a customer would prefer to punish you by writing a bad review (thereby giving up their leverage) instead of listening to how you will rectify their particular problem. You could ask why they believe discussions are not making progress and how damaging your reputation will make them feel vindicated. Ask what would get talks back on track to success.
• Listen carefully to complaints. Even when solutions are not possible through negotiations or mediation, actively listening to your opponent and offering empathy for their feelings about the conflict, is a powerful way to resolve any ill feelings. Simply expressing that you understand why they are angry and fed up because of a delay, for example, and reassuring them that they are important, could calm them down enough to see reason. If emotions run high, take a break and get some distance which may help you to see things from their perspective.
• Call out the other side. Labeling a threat for what it is may make the other person see that you don’t feel intimidated by it. If it’s a bluff, you’ll soon convey that threats have no power over you.   You can do this by saying something like, “Let’s not resort to threats as our discussions are much more productive.” It’s polite and respectful but conveys power and stability in your response.

This is why research is always helpful and knowing your enemy is important. If you are threatened with legal action, your research may have already revealed that you have the stronger legal position and you can express that in a calm way, outlining the legal basis for it. If an employee threatens to leave and you know your business offers the best package on the market, politely express this. This kind of information gathering prior to any negotiation and difficult conversation, helps you not only to consider the way forward but also give you a sense of control. With this in your back pocket, you are less likely to lose your temper and damage relationships.

• Highlight each other’s interests in continuing discussions. Some commentators believe that issuing your own threats followed by a discussion of interests at stake or to be fulfilled by the negotiation, could help put things back on track with a counter-part who only responds to aggressive behaviour. In the case of a person who threatens legal action when they are not getting their way, you too could issue the same threat for a counter claim but explain that it is preferable to continue talking because court proceedings are not private, they cost a lot of money and don’t give you the flexibility to find mutually beneficial outcomes. I have often used this particular phrase in legal correspondence and most of the time, it’s very effective in diffusing escalating conflict.

Threats in any context, throw us off balance but you can regain it by sharpening you conflict resolution tools in the way I have indicated above. Communication, preparation and knowing what kind of information to disclose and inquire about are key to getting this right.

How have you dealt with threats ? Do you have any tips and advice to share ? As usual, I’d love to read your comments!