The Conflict Expert

Understanding covert narcissism is hard. It makes conflict confusing and hard to handle. This is why:

Margaret * was a lovely lady. Kind, helpful, eager to make me feel supported. Her admiration of my work was vocal and well timed – in meetings and in public, to powerful people in the office hierarchy. Her praising of me made me a little suspicious and I didn’t know why. Well, actually, I did.

I knew already that Margaret wielded her power over her supervisees like an iron fist. She was sweet and timid with those in authority, but controlling and passive aggressive with those who needed her professional authority to do anything. Her supervisees were constantly trying to please her and conspired with each other to make sure she wasn’t offended. Even those who she didn’t manage, feared her silent reprisals. However, to me, she portrayed herself as a supportive, concerned women whose cakes and offers of assistance out of work, were an act of generosity that often victimised her. It was hard being so saintly, she often mused.

Our relationship changed as she started to abuse my boundaries: information sharing about personal things I had told her; gossiping about how I had gotten the job; subtly undermining my recollection of events and cheer leading a co-worker who she believed, was a rival of mine. Confronting her only made it worse. She told me I was a bully who had taken advantage of her. I came away feeling confused and shocked. How had I suddenly, become the villain and why did I feel so bad about it ?

Narcissists aren’t always loud and domineering. They can be quiet, subtle, and emotionally manipulative in ways that are harder to detect and more confusing to manage in conflict. Hence the term, covert. And it’s more common than you think.

---

Understanding Covert Narcissism: What Is a Covert Narcissist?

Covert narcissists (also known as vulnerable or introverted narcissists) still carry core narcissistic traits — like entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for control — but they express them in passive, under-the-radar ways.

They often appear:

• Self-deprecating
• Emotionally fragile
• Sensitive and kind
• A victim
• Shy and avoidant of attention

But beneath the surface, covert narcissists seek control through emotional manipulation — especially in times of conflict. There’s no way that they can take responsibility for their actions, they do not self-reflect but instead, blame you for any perceived wrong-doing. They have worked out exactly how to hurt you, so be prepared for insults and disrespect but in a subtle and unexpected way.

---

How Conflict with a Covert Narcissist Plays Out

Conflict with them includes the following tactics:

• Using gaslighting to distort your perception of events;
• Passive aggression, like guilt-tripping or subtle digs;
• Shifting into victim mode to avoid accountability;
• Withdrawing affection or going silent when confronted.

---

Why It’s So Draining

Cover narcissists don’t like to be the target of blame or criticism. It’s never their fault. It’s almost impossible to get them to change or acknowledge that they may have had a role in the conflict. Why? because this requires empathy, direct communication and being vulnerable.

They are extremely good at faking these qualities by using appropriate phrases. But conflict resolution is about acknowledging wrong-doing and seeking a solutions so that both parties can make amends, compromise if necessary, and bring about peace and stability. That doesn’t work for the covert narcissist as the drama, emotional turmoil and control are distractions from the self-awareness that is needed in this delicate process.

You’ll feel like you’re the problem. You might experience guilt and shame and you won’t feel heard. That may manifest in different ways but crucially, conflict with them feels like you’re sinking in quicksand and they’re not willing to pull you out.

---

Awareness Is Power

But you don’t have to carry on sinking. There is a way out. The first step to approach this type of destructive conflict is awareness and education.

In Part 2, we’ll talk about how to protect yourself, set boundaries, and maintain your sense of self when dealing with a covert narcissist.

---

When I write about narcissism, I am not doing so as a phycologist. I am doing so as a conflict resolution practitioner. I am acutely aware that using terms like “narcissist” can be used in a derogatory way that inflames conflict. We all have narcissistic tendencies at time. It’s easy not to feel empathy towards somebody who has wronged you, but you may in general, feel empathetic and can act compassionately. Narcissism exists on a spectrum and it may not be helpful to use this term against somebody as an insult, even if you believe it is true.

*not her real name !

Struggling with a covert narcissist?

Want a quick and easy guide to identifying toxic behaviour and learning strategies to manage conflict with a narcissist?