The Conflict Expert

I once had a housemate who absolutely loved Halloween. I was quietly being a bit of a Halloween Grinch. My reaction to their enthusiasm was instant and entirely automatic: “Oh, for God’s sake.”

Nothing came of it. No conflict ever followed. But I remember the feeling clearly: the internal eye-roll that arrived before I’d had a single thought.

That small moment is a doorway into something bigger. Our conflict patterns run on autopilot, and most of us have automatic reactions we never chose. As it’s Halloween, it feels like the right time to talk about the costumes we put on in conflict, and why we so rarely notice we’re wearing them.

The Conflict Zombie: Shuffling Through the Same Fight

You know the one. Same argument, different day. You can hear the words before they’re said, because you’ve both said them a hundred times.

That’s the conflict zombie. When conflict starts, we stop thinking and start shuffling through the same moves: the same accusations, the same defensiveness, the same walking away. We’re not really there. We’re re-enacting. Conflict zaps the life out of the conversation, and out of us.

It can feel as though you’re the only one stuck in this loop. The research suggests otherwise. The Gottman Institute reports that 69% of the problems couples face are “perpetual”, rooted in lasting differences in personality and lifestyle, so they never fully go away. Couples who do well don’t stop having these arguments. They keep talking about them with curiosity, instead of getting stuck in gridlock.

Gottman and Levenson also found about 80% stability in conflict discussions held three years apart. Put simply, the way couples argued three years earlier was largely the way they argued again. The research is about couples, but most of us will recognise the loop with a sibling, a friend or a colleague too.

The loop is real. It doesn’t mean you’re broken.

What the Zombie Brain Is Doing

When a conversation feels threatening, the calm, thinking part of your brain can go quiet while a faster, older system takes over. Daniel Goleman called this an amygdala hijack in his 1995 book Emotional Intelligence. That system has one interest: winning or escaping. It has no interest in understanding.

That’s why you say things you don’t mean, and why reason can seem impossible to hear. It’s a metaphor for a real mechanism, not a diagnosis, and brain scientists would add that the picture is more complicated than a simple takeover. But it’s a helpful way to see the zombie. In that moment, you’re not choosing the costume. Your nervous system is.

The Costumes Behind Your Conflict Patterns

If the zombie is what we become, the costume is what we wear while we do it. In conflict, most of us dress up as a character without realising, and then forget we have it on. Sometimes it’s a costume we chose. Often it’s the one the other person sees.

Here are five common ones:

• The Aggressor comes out swinging. Blame first, questions later.
• The Avoider vanishes. They go quiet, say “fine”, and leave the room, in body or in mind.
• The Victim feels hard done by. “Why does this always happen to me?”
• The Pleaser apologises to make it stop, and swallows the real issue along the way.
• The Prosecutor builds the case, presents the evidence and cross-examines.

No one is bad for wearing any of these. We all have a favourite, and most of us own more than one. The same person might be an Aggressor with a partner, an Avoider with a sibling and a Pleaser with a colleague. These aren’t personality types. They’re outfits, and outfits can change.

The important part is that the other person usually meets the costume, not you. They respond to the Aggressor, so they get defensive, so the Aggressor gets louder. The Avoider’s silence feels like rejection, so the other person pushes harder and the Avoider retreats further. The topic changes, whether it’s the dishwasher, the deadline or the weekend plans, but the costume doesn’t. Same fight, different costume. The costume creates the conflict it was hired for.

How to Notice You’re Wearing One

The pattern only changes once it’s seen. You don’t need to fix anything yet. You just need to notice.

1. Notice the déjà vu. “We’ve had this exact fight before” is your first clue.
2. Catch the physical tell. A hot face, a tight chest, the urge to interrupt or leave. Your body usually notices before your mind does.
3. Name it silently. “I’ve put the Aggressor costume on.”
4. Take one slow breath before you respond. It won’t solve anything, but it gives the thinking part of your brain a moment to catch up.
5. Get curious afterwards. Ask what was underneath the fight. Go beneath the surface to the root causes, rather than the logistics of who said what.

From Zombie to Human

You can’t take the costume off mid-fight by willpower alone. But you can get faster at spotting it, and that changes the pattern over time. Each time you notice, you create a small gap between the trigger and the reaction, and a different choice can fit into that gap.

It also helps to say so, once things have calmed down. “I think I put my Avoider costume on there” is a surprisingly gentle way to reopen a conversation, because it names the pattern without blaming anyone.

Handled with awareness, the same old fight can become a turning point: a chance to say what’s really going on, rebuild trust and move forward.

Costumes Are for Halloween

Costumes are for Halloween. The real you doesn’t have to keep playing the part.

If you’d like to know which costume you tend to reach for, take the free conflict style quiz. And if a pattern keeps coming back and you’d like some company in going beneath the surface, book a free, no-obligation 20-minute call. You do not have to work it out alone, and The Conflict Expert is here whenever you’re ready.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I keep having the same argument?

About 69% of the problems couples face are “perpetual”, rooted in lasting differences in personality and lifestyle. They repeat, often because the need underneath has not been heard, rather than because you have not yet found the right words. Noticing the pattern is where change starts.

Why do I act like a different person during conflict?

When a conversation feels threatening, the brain’s threat response can override calm, rational thinking, an experience Daniel Goleman called an amygdala hijack. You fall back on well-worn patterns instead of choosing your response. It’s a useful shorthand rather than a diagnosis, and it explains why you can barely recognise yourself afterwards.

Can conflict patterns be changed?

Yes, but not by willpower in the middle of an argument. Patterns change through noticing: catching the familiar script, the physical tell and the brief moment of choice before you react. Each time you catch it, the pattern loosens its grip a little, and you gain more room to respond differently.

What is a conflict style?

Your conflict style is the characteristic way you behave when conflict starts, such as attacking, avoiding, pleasing or playing the victim. Knowing yours helps you spot it as it happens. Our free conflict style quiz is a good place to begin.