The Conflict Expert

Have you ever presented a rock-solid argument, packed with facts and logic, only to watch the other person dig in deeper rather than reconsider? If so, you’ve encountered something psychologists call belief perseverance—the tendency to hold on to beliefs even when confronted with undeniable evidence to the contrary.

We’ve seen this recently in politics. Those who support Trump and those who do not. Those who support Israel and those who support Palestine. Polarising beliefs are often extremely immune to facts and statistics, unless they support the polarised view.

But that’s not all. People don’t just stubbornly resist change; they actively defend their viewpoints through motivated reasoning, selectively accepting information that supports their beliefs while dismissing or rationalizing away anything that challenges them. Add in confirmation bias, where we naturally seek out and favour information that aligns with what we already believe, and it’s no wonder debates so often feel like a dead end.

How does this affect conflict? Logic is not universal. It depends on a person’s perception of the world, their opinions and experiences. We stubbornly hold onto those views because admitting you are wrong about something can have an uncomfortable or even painful impact on a person’s identity.

We see this in conflict all the time. The Israeli who has a prejudiced view about Palestinians and vice verser, will find it incredibly difficult to let go of those beliefs, especially if they have suffered violence or trauma for generations. Their friends and family may feel the same way. The media may reinforce those beliefs. They have probably absorbed other social messaging that reinforces prejudicial views. It is extremely hard then, to let go of them because it would mean denying they are part of a national identity and their own is then put into question. But an outsider may claim that the prejudice simply is not logical for several reasons or that one side is wrong and the other is right. This approach will not resolve conflict.

So, if logic and evidence alone won’t work, what will? Here’s how to navigate these tricky conversations effectively.

1. Build Trust First

People are more likely to reconsider their beliefs when they feel safe and respected. If your approach comes across as confrontational or condescending, their defenses will shoot up instantly. Instead, start by finding common ground. Express curiosity about their perspective and show that you genuinely want to understand their reasoning.

2. Ask, Don’t Tell

Rather than outright stating that they’re wrong, ask thoughtful questions that encourage reflection. For example:

• “What led you to that belief?”
• “Have you ever come across any information that challenged your view? How did you process that?”
• “What evidence would change your mind?”

Questions like these engage the other person in self-exploration, making them more likely to reevaluate their stance without feeling attacked. Active Listening is crucial here.

3. Introduce New Information Gradually

If someone has held a belief for years, they won’t abandon it after a single conversation. Instead of overwhelming them with a flood of facts, introduce new information in small, digestible pieces. Let them sit with it and come to their own conclusions over time.

4. Know When to Walk Away

Ask yourself, what am I trying to achieve by this? Is it really important to you to change somebody’s mind about their political beliefs? If you believe you are tolerant of others, why do you feel the need to change the views of those you don’t agree with?

5. Empathy Works Best

When somebody expresses an offensive view, often what underlies it is fear of the unknown. I recall having a conversation with a stranger that suddenly turned to their hatred for immigrants. When I asked whether they knew any, they said no. I asked why they thought they were all criminals and they showed me an article from a questionable website on their phone. After asking a few more questions, I asked if they were scared for the future. Once I reassured them that their fear is understandable (not the prejudice), that opened up a deeper, more connected conversation.

This is the true essence of persuasion. Understanding the emotions, experiences, desires and needs of the other person. Once you can do that, you can do anything.

As always, please leave your comments and views below!