The Conflict Expert

It’s happened to us all. You walk away from a conversation with somebody about a disagreement and you don’t feel satisfied. You still feel angry. You still feel resentful. The conflict has not been resolved. Why? Because difficult conversations are hard. Obviously. And a lot of what we want to say, is not said.

This happened to me when I was training to be a solicitor. My training partner asked me to research a legal issue and I couldn’t find anything that would support our case. I looked everywhere. And as I searched, I felt resentful towards him. It was Friday night. I’d given up my evening plans and I knew he was drinking with colleagues at a nearby bar. He told me it was urgent but only read my work two weeks later and when he did, the conversation went something like this:

Him: “Your work was terrible. Do it again but this time, put some effort into it.” ( Clearly, lacking tact and diplomacy)

What he didn’t say : I’m important, my time is being wasted. I feel disrespected. I perceive you had no intention of doing this task well which shows me what you think of my authority.

Me: “I realise it’s not perfect but it was the best I could do.”

What I didn’t say: I’m still learning. I feel inadequate admitting that and need your support and guidance. I worked really hard and want you to recognise my efforts.

Him: “The best you could do ? Really? And you couldn’t find anything?”

What he didn’t say: I don’t believe you. Now you’re lying to me. Do you think I’m stupid. I feel angry now that you are not being honest.

Me: “I did look everywhere and worked until past midnight but nothing…”

What I didn’t say: I felt under pressure which is why I worked past midnight. Why does he think I’m lying? He clearly thinks I’m incapable and a liar. He doesn’t think I’m good enough. I’m scared of making a bad impression to somebody who has a lot of power over my future.

Him:” It doesn’t matter. I’ll ask somebody else to help on that case. I don’t have time for this.”

What he didn’t say: You aren’t good enough. You’re wasting my time. I’m important. I need more support and I’m under pressure from the clients.

Me: Silence. (He didn’t know it, but I cried my eyes out to a friend of mine that evening).

What I didn’t say: Your disapproval and dismissal has really hurt me. It’s made me question my competence. It’s made me question my future. All whilst you were drinking in a bar with your friends, not even aware of how much I was struggling.

There are so many conversations happening here.

The first one is about what happened, why it happened, who is right about what happened. In that is blame and judgment and both of us are questioning each other’s intentions. We are establishing our interpretation and perception of what happened, the consequences of that, whose responsibility it was and who is right or wrong. That will vary based on our own internal thinking and emotions and in many cases, our own sense of self worth.

The second conversation is about our emotions. My ex boss felt important and saw my failings as a mark of disrespect. This made him feel angry and irritated because in his mind, if I really did respect his authority, I would have worked harder- he didn’t know how hard I had worked and didn’t ask. From my perspective, I felt angry that he didn’t recognise that I had given up my Friday evening to do this and that he didn’t see that I was still learning and needed support. I felt belittled by his dismissive and rude response.

The third conversation is about what this means for my identity. For me, it signaled that I wasn’t good enough to work in the legal profession. It made me question my future and it impacted on my self-esteem. For him too, it might have had that impact (I assume!) because he believed I hadn’t put effort into the task and this didn’t recognise his authority.

Most difficult conversations are about (1) how we perceive what happened; (2) our emotions about it; (3) how we see ourselves.

And it’s no surprise that I didn’t say everything I wanted to say in this difficult conversation. Research shows that we are most likely to avoid having one in an employment context – most likely because of the power dynamics and the fear of losing one’s job or being rejected in other ways.

If I could coach myself before having that conversation, here is what I would tell myself (and you):

I know you are worried about the outcome of this conversation and mostly, you fear rejection by a person who you perceive as having authority over you. But authority depends on your consent which makes you just as powerful. You are worthy of respect and support – he’s just not able to give that to you, for whatever reason.

Here’s how to improve

Difficult conversations are an opportunity for you to explore the other person’s perspective and to make space for you both to talk about how you feel and what you both need. Your relationship can grow in consequence. You can do this by asking questions that bring you towards that and using curiosity to understand eachother. To do that, you need to listen actively to each other. Respect and politeness are fundamental to this exercise.

The aim of my boss was to let me know that he was unhappy with my work and more importantly, he felt angry that I hadn’t given him what he wanted. What he could have done instead is try to understand my perspective. He could have asked question such as,

(1) How did you find that task?

(2) What did you find difficult about it?

(3) How long did you spend on it?

(4) Why do you think you couldn’t find anything?

(5) How did you approach it?

I could have asked (ideally, before starting the task)

(1) How urgent is this task ?

(2) When do you need it by ?

(3) What is the purpose of it ?

(4) Can I ask you for guidance ?

(5) Did you expect me to work over the weekend and if so, why?

Crucially, my boss could have turned this into a learning exercise by asking me exactly that – what had I learned and what would I do next time in a similar situation?

Being aware of the three conversations that always occur when discussing something uncomfortable, will help you prepare for it better.

If you’d like to know more about this, I recommend the excellent book by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project, Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most.

As always, I’d love to know what you think about this ! Which conversations left you feeling unsatisfied ?