The Conflict Expert

I get asked this question a lot. How do I survive divorcing a narcissist?

The truth is, there is no easy answer to this as conflict with a narcissist is hard ! If you’re reading this, the narcissist in your life has probably made you feel angry, hurt, exasperated and your mental health is already suffering. It’s really hard to know how to handle them because their intention is to destroy you. They want to make you suffer even if they have behaved terribly towards you. They can’t help it. Typically, narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy and an ability to see things from your perspective. This kind of ruthlessness makes it hard to resolve conflict as relationships are often damaged beyond repair.

Let’s also remember that narcissism is a psychological condition that is usually difficult to diagnose. You may not be divorcing a narcissist; they may simply be angry because the relationship has ended. If you find however, that lies, manipulation, gaslighting and unreasonably using your children as bargaining chips, that’s a pretty good indication of their mindset.

Dealing with a narcissist in conflict is about protecting yourself and limiting direct and emotional engagement. Here are a few things that might help you:

Find Somebody to Communicate on Your Behalf

The best way to please a narcissist is to show them you are angry. This makes them feel powerful because they have manipulated your emotions. Be aware of this when you communicate with them because they will be trying to upset you and if you react angrily, they will use this against you.

Usually, a solicitor will do this for you by taking the emotions out of the correspondence. This will be much more productive than angry emails and texts and remember, anything in writing can be produced to the courts to indicate your character or attitude. If you don’t want to involve solicitors at an early stage to keep down costs, choose not to discuss anything by text message and limit emails. The reason for this is that they are instantaneous forms of communications and it’s easy to regret hasty messages after pressing the send button.

Record You Discussions in Writing

Narcissists love to gaslight and lie. That’s why it’s vital that you make a note of any conversation. If you do correspond directly by email, don’t reply instantly. Take a breath, go for a walk, get some emotional distance and when you do respond, ask somebody to read it first! Why ? so they can edit your tone and language and make it as neutral as possible.

Arm Yourself With Information

You’ll most likely have to negotiate over the assets to be divided. Narcissists don’t do this well. They are likely to withhold or lie about finances so that they do not have to give up anything. They do not see conflict resolution as a collaborative process but as a win/lose exercise in which you suffer through humiliation. They will make entitled demands and probably not fully engage in a meaningful, intentional manner. So, whilst you should be prepared for them not to follow legal advice to settle and avoid costs, make sure you are fully aware of your mutual marital assets and anything that could be persuasive in getting the narcissist to comply (although, a true narcissist won’t).

Understand Your Rights

Usually, I advise mediation as a tool to resolve conflict in this context. Done well, it can be incredibly productive in finding long lasting resolutions that maintain relationships. However, narcissists don’t want that. So, find out what steps you need to take legally to protect your position and consider how to limit damage to your finances and your loved ones.

Protect yourself and your children when divorcing a narcissist

This kind of conflict is all consuming. It’s exhausting and damaging emotionally, mentally and financially. It can have devastating effects on those you love, including your children. But no matter how you feel, don’t share your feelings with your children! Talk to a therapist or friends about it, take time out, find ways to detach if you can. And if you need to, report them to the police if behaviour becomes threatening or abusive.

There is no easy way to deal with a narcissist but keeping your behaviour and communication as neutral and emotionless as possible is key. That means keeping boundaries of steel to protect yourself and not rising to bait. Engaging should be limited only to when it is essential and only what needs to be said.

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