The Conflict Expert

Tony Soprano, the protagonist of the Sopranos, was a sociopathic mafia boss from New Jersey. He had a lot on his mind when it came to criminal activities, but one of his greatest challenges was his mother, Livia. She was the queen of emotional manipulation and much of Tony’s time was taken up by her. She made him feel guilty for supposedly abandoning her – which was far from the truth, as the more guilty he felt, the more he wanted to please her. In the most extreme episodes of this series, she pretended to have dementia after plotting to kill him. She was a source of pain and anger for Tony and no doubt, for any of you reading this who have experienced similar forms of emotional manipulation.

What is Emotional Manipulation?

But emotional manipulation isn’t always so extreme or entertaining!

In short, it’s the use of your own emotions to control and influence your behaviour, thoughts, feelings and reactions to the manipulator. This benefits the manipulator and is in many cases, an abusive and disempowered way to communicate influence and power. Here are some examples of it in practice:

• Guilt tripping – making you feel guilty if you don’t do what the manipulator wants.
•  Playing on your insecurities such as your feelings of social inadequacies – “the team will like you more if you do this,” or “nobody will ever love you like I do.” 
• Giving the silent treatment or withdrawing from a relationship as a form of punishment.
•  Victim playing, reminding you of all the things they have done for you (whether you asked for it or not), acting like a martyr or exaggerating their suffering or bad treatment.
•  Love bombing is also a way of influence through positive emotional responses.
• Gaslighting to distort your sense of reality and mental stability.

In the workplace, you might observe similar tactics in the following forms:

• Withholding information from you or cutting you out of projects.
• Undermining your work or not giving you any credit for what you have achieved.
• Blackmail – you won’t get that promotion if you don’t do as your manager asks.
• Conflict creation within the team to deflect attention from the manipulator
• Victim playing so that your guilt or pity excuses your colleague from a task.

Healthy influence, on the other hand, emphasises why a certain action or opinion might be in your interest. For example, when a manager discusses the reasons why learning a new skill might benefit the team, the intention is to add to your skill set but also further a team goal. This benefits everyone and appeals to your interests. A doctor may discuss with you the risks and benefits of a treatment plan and allow you time to come to your own conclusion. Advice may be given in a diplomatic and considerate manner, giving you space to talk and be listened to with any concerns. When this happens, you feel empowered and motivated- not guilty, fearful, or desperate for the attention of your pursuer.

To be clear, usually somebody exerting emotional manipulation is not even aware of it. These are usually subconscious behaviours that belong on a spectrum. It’s not always malicious either. And if we are honest with ourselves, we may display some of those behaviours without even knowing it or meaning any harm.

What Emotional Manipulation Isn’t

• Expressing an opinion – no matter how undiplomatic it is;
• Offering advice or help or expressing concern;
• Having a conversation about needs or desires; 
• Asking for help or a change of behaviour.
• Offering genuine human connection through empathy, unthreatening eye contact and open listening.

Clear communication that confronts problems in a relationship are not usually red flags, no matter how uncomfortable you find those types of conversations. If you don’t like what is being said, it may make you feel angry, unappreciated, disrespected or it may knock your ego but it doesn’t make you want to take action or not out of guilt, fear, anxiety or a need to be loved and wanted.

Strategies to Deal With Emotional Manipulation

• Recognise your emotions. In a healthy relationship, you should feel uplifted, appreciated and respected. Feeling used, attacked or guilty if you do something or not, are usually signs of something not being right.
• Work on your self-esteem and assertiveness. You can say no to anything, and you can stand up for yourself in a polite and clear manner. When you slip into aggression, this could fuel the abuse further.
• Acknowledge the tactics that are being used. If it helps, write down your feelings and record any incidents so you can see the patterns of behaviour or the manipulator.
• Clearly communicate your boundaries. If you need to tell a manipulator that you can’t complete a task, try not to explain or provide any information on your vulnerabilities, just say no in a polite and respectful manner.
• Speak to somebody supportive. You might even come up with some new strategies!

A manipulative person is disempowered and insecure with a limited ability to communicate. They quickly identify points of weakness and exploit them to their advantage. They may or may not be aware of this trait and if we are honest with ourselves, we can all be manipulative to a certain degree.

In any abusive relationship, you do have the choice to leave BUT that is not always possible. That’s a judgement call for you.  And if you can’t leave, it’s even more important that you get the support you need to deal with the impact the abuse can have on mental and physical health and safety.

I’d love to hear from you about this subject! Please feel free to leave a comment. Do you agree? What are your strategies for dealing with emotional manipulation?