The Conflict Expert

As a forty-year-old woman, used to living on her own and on her terms, moving back in with her parents was an option she thought she would never have to consider. Until she had to. In 2020, Sonia found herself jobless following a Covid related company restructuring with nowhere to go. It would be short-term, she told herself, but deep down, she dreaded the thought of moving back to her small hometown in the north of England and had no idea whether she’d find a job that she actually wanted. It made sense though, from a financial perspective, especially as the bills started to mount up. Her parents were happy for her to move back in after twenty years of being away from the family home, and their support persuaded her.

But none of them were prepared for how hard it would be. They soon found themselves irritated and angry with each other. Sonia’s parents expected her to tidy her room and would often enter without knocking first. They would expect her to eat dinner with them every night and when she would go out for a walk or to exercise, they’d text her to ask her when she’d be back. She had the same arguments with her father that she used to have as a teenager, and she would overhear her mother complain to her friends over the phone about her “bad” habits.

Why all the conflict? Because it’s usual for parents and children to regress to the roles they had when they lived together, even if that’s only over the holiday period. Those same parental behaviours resurface because they haven’t yet lived with you as an adult. The same for you. You’re not the same person you were when you were seventeen years old and it can be frustrating when your freedom, accomplishments and perspective are not acknowledged and respected.

The good news is, regression does not have to lead to conflict and if you follow my tips below, living with your parents can get you out of difficult times, improve your relationship and lead to personal growth, all of which you will treasure in the long run.

How to stop regressing before it starts 

• Have a conversation or several of them, with your parents. Explore with them what your mutual expectations are, which behaviours you will and won’t accept from each other and what your needs and wishes are. This could be as simple as paying rent or contributing in some way; which foods you both like to eat and when; or the level of interaction you like at certain times of the day. Knowing this or better, writing it down, will help you understand each other as adults from the start.
• Act like an adult, not a child. Regressing means stamping your feet and shouting when you don’t get your way- or any other types of immature behaviour that you used to exhibit as a young person. You probably don’t behave like that at work or with your friends but when at home, that’s what resurfaces. The same with your parents. They may deal with that behaviour by shutting you down or handling late nights out with curfews. That’s not how adults interact. They talk to each other about how they feel and what they want to change in their relationships. Assertive and kind conversations ensue to make amends and set clear boundaries that may become flexible as trust and cooperation is established. Remember, your behaviour will set the tone for how you want to be treated and if you act like a child, your parents will treat you like one.  
• Show your appreciation for their help. Your parents wish to support you and they are doing that by sacrificing their space. They probably find it as hard as you do to adapt to a new living arrangement that they haven’t been used to in a long time. Which is why it’s important to check in with them often and ask what is going well and what isn’t. Tell them how much you appreciate their help, especially if they have done something for you that warms your heart. You’re lucky to have loving, supportive parents so don’t take them for granted.
• Figure out your goal. If you give yourself a deadline to accomplish something- find a job, finish house renovations, buy or rent a house – you’ll feel calmer and more motivated to make the time with your parents as positive and useful as possible. Not knowing when you will be able to move out of your parental home can damage your self-esteem and keep you in a loop of negative emotions and behaviours, so set a deadline for moving out.
• Get some distance! If you are starting to feel overwhelmed by your living arrangements, take some time out. Go for a walk, see a friend, find something that takes you away from your parents. The sole purpose of this is to calm down, get some perspective and go back home with a new frame of mind. This can transform conflict and put it to rest.

Relationships are constantly evolving for better or worse. When things are hard, remember, it’s temporary and also an opportunity to grow. When things are going well, take a moment to remember how lucky you are to have your parents’ support. Not everyone does and with a little patience and self-awareness, your relationship with them will go from strength to strength.

I’d love to read your comments! What are your experiences of regression and how did you deal with it?