The Conflict Expert

It’s hard to have a conversation about conflict. Why? Because a lot could be at stake.

You may not want to ruin the relationship. You may fear their response might be judgmental or aggressive which could change their opinion of you. You may worry that you might say something wrong and it could make a conflict worse. If you have ever broken up with somebody, you know what I’m talking about.

The alternative, however, is that you stay quiet and repress it. Your suppressed feelings could create further conflict because you might feel angry for not sticking up for yourself and the other person continues to misinterpret your unspoken boundaries. Having weak or non-existent boundaries means people will treat you how they want to. Not how you want to be treated. Your needs are left unsatisfied which in itself, is frustrating and can make us feel sad or angry.

Most difficult conversations address bad behaviour and ask for it to change to more preferable behaviour. In effect, you’re asking for a fundamental change so that your relationship can work- or end.  It’s sometimes hard to do that because we’re not always taught that asserting your needs is a positive thing. If that’s how you feel, here is a sure-fire structure that emphasises compassionate communication to yourself and the other person and it provides a safe space for you to speak and be listened to.

You may be thinking that this is nice in theory, but what if the other person isn’t going to listen to you or respond with empathy? You have to be the judge of that and decide how safe it is to be open and honest. However, by expressing this quality yourself and being willing to share your vulnerability through honesty, you encourage the other to do the same.

The Structure

A good way to set the tone is to open a conversation by expressing how you would like it to go. So, you state something like:

I’d like to talk to you about [the incident], how I felt about it, and what should be done to resolve this kind of issue if it happens in the future.

I’ve changed the order to make it sound more natural but the conversation from your side might go like this:

I feel disappointed about the decision not to include me in the work project because I need to feel valued and acknowledged in my role in this team. My skills and experience would be useful to this project and I think my contribution would be valuable. Would you be able to talk me through the decision? I’d also like to know if there are any other projects I can get involved in and perhaps I could showcase to you my skills and thoughts on strategy so that you can assess my potential contribution.

Ideally, the person responding will see that you are calm, non-judgmental and you are not blaming. You are simply being assertive about your needs and feelings and you want to avoid tension from becoming a conflict. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and asking for what you need, as long as it is done with respect. That said, they might respond as follows:

I am the manager and I’ll decide who takes part in this project.

That’s probably going to infuriate you as the response is lacking in empathy and has a sense of entitlement to it. However, you can turn it around by responding calmly (take a breath and remember, this relationship is important to you!):

I respect you as my manager and understand the pressures on you to choose the right people for the job. That’s not always easy and the reason I am reaching out to you in this open and honest way is to let you know that I support you and I am a team player. I am keen to progress in this company and would be willing to participate in future opportunities so that I can grow and develop as well as contribute to the team vision in a meaningful way. I would be happy to propose projects and opportunities for you to review and approve.

The Key

Marshal Rosenberg wrote in his brilliant book ,”Living Nonviolent Communication”, that when a person feels judged, criticised or attacked and there is no acknowledgment of their emotions or needs, they will probably respond to you defensively. It’s also important to listen to the other person by checking you have understood them, acknowledging their emotions non-judgmentally and asking them open questions to find workable solutions in a compassionate manner.

This technique takes patience and time but if you get it right, your relationships and interactions will improve. Believe me, I still get it wrong but when I do, I apologise, learn from it and make amends. We are all, only human!

Please feel free to leave your comments and opinions!